What’s In Your Mouth?!


Apparently I was a troublemaker from the beginning. It was not my intention to cause trouble but by nature I was designed this way. I was not much for following rules that I thought were stupid and pointless. Not that I put much thought into things when I was six or eight or ever, I just did stuff.

Like the time I had just stuck a piece of watermelon flavored Bubbliscious gum in my mouth while my third grade teacher Mrs. Latke was teaching us about the anatomy of a vagina.

Just as I was able to jam the delicious sticky treat into my mouth Mrs. Latke turned from the vagina diagram and locked her evil eyes onto mine with the death stare. (I am convinced she hated me). She slowly walked over to me with her fist slightly clenched (or maybe she was just holding the chalk I don’t know):

This was serious business in third grade okay?

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough to have a diagram of a vagina plastered on the chalkboard with a flaccid penis picture to the right of it…

Mrs. Latke: What’s in your mouth?

Me: Nupping (trying to move the wad of gum out of the way without drooling).

What I was really thinking: Fuck you!

Mrs. Latke: Well then why do I smell something fruity?

Me: Shrugged my shoulders because talking was not an option at this point.

What I was really thinking: Seriously? Did you seriously just say fruity you stupid bitch?

Mrs. Latke: Do you have gum in your mouth?

Me: Shaking my head no. (The thought of swallowing the gum did not occur to me).

What I was really thinking: Better than having a penis in my mouth. Is this really THAT big of a fucking deal?

Mrs. Latke: Are you lying? I know you’re lying. Spit the gum out

So I attempted to get out of my chair to spit the gum in the garbage can and she pushed me back down into my chair, “No, spit it in your hand and stick it on your nose!”

What I was thinking: Are you fucking kidding me? Have you lost your fucking mind?

I did nothing. The entire class was staring at me as I sat there thinking of the humiliation of putting that sticky, slimy wad of bright pink watermelon mush on my nose which was definitely not a large enough surface to place this ginormous piece of gum on. I was eight for Christ Sake!

Mrs. Latke: Gina, put the gum on your nose or I can give you a detention after school.

Aw shit, really? This would mean my mother would have to pick me up after school when she gets off of work which means my detention really wouldn’t end until 5:30pm. I would miss He-Man, The Thundercats, TopCat and The Jackson Five! Not to mention that I would have to listen to my mother rant the entire way home about how selfish I am by making her go out of her way to pick me up from school while she bangs relentlessly on the steering wheel with every syllable she speaks. She would say, “I-can’t-be-lieve-how-sel-fish-you-are-make-ing-me-go-out-of-my-way-to-pick-you-up-be-cause-you-can’t-seem-to-be-have-your-self! Don’t-you-ev-er-think-a-bout-an-y-one-but-your-self?!”

Umm, I’m eight? So not really, no.

Ironically, I did think this through but the end result of my decision was entirely selfish. The thought of all this was enough to make me take the gum out of my mouth, completely against my will, and stick it on the end of my nose. This piece of gum was so big that I feared it would get stuck in my eyebrows. As I did this everyone turned away, which was even more humiliating for me because this meant it was so bad that it was painful for people to even watch the shenanigan’s of this mean ass whore.

At the end of the day I learned a very valuable lesson though: First, to get the Hubba Bubba brand from now on because it doesn’t stick to anything (that was the major selling point of this gum, remember?) and second, become a master at hiding the gum in my mouth. Because if there is a lesson to be learned here, it’s not to get caught when doing shit you shouldn’t be doing, no matter how pointless and stupid the rules are

As much as I would like to draw a picture of this incident for you, my drawing skills completely suck so you’ll just have to get imaginative and come up with your own. Feel free to e-mail me with pictures. Maybe I’ll post them here.

This Blog Is My New Year’s Resolution

New Year's Resolution 2013

My life is a series of days strung together that have created who I am today. Who is that you ask? I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure that out…actually I’m tired of trying to figure it out and I’ve decided to just be who I am.

All of the stories told here are all completely and 100% true to the best of my recollection.

Warning: I wasn’t the best teenager on the planet but I did have a great time living out the discombobulating times of teen hood. So those of you with weak stomachs or no sense of humor may want to avoid this blog. Also, some of the stories here will be present day and I feel the need to tell you this because you may not know the difference between the teenage me and the grown-up me.

I recently had a revelation of which I have decided I do not want to be a grown up anymore. I’ve decided I just want to sit at home on my computer all day and write stories. Oh and drink banana flavored rum…not ALL day, just some of the day. And maybe I’ll clean up the house every now and then but we’ll see.

I am 39 years old with kids 21 and 16 and it’s somewhat questionable as to whether or not I have failed miserably. I figure I’d tell you that right off the bat so you have no preconceived notions about me being a cute little 24 year old stumbling my way to adulthood while learning how to budget and manage money in my new experiences out in the “real world.” But you may think that sometimes with some of the stories you may read on my blog and once you get the gist of how immature and irresponsible I (am) can be sometimes.

So there’s that.

I don’t do well in the “real” work force world. I always start to think I can run things better than the boss (because I can) and they don’t take very kindly to that most of the time. So I figure if I could just entertain you all the time and somehow magically make enough money to pay some bills, then everything will be unicorns and rainbows on my side of the world. I mean, why not?

But in my defense I’ve made a valiant effort for the last 25 years to be as normal as possible and have a “real job.” It’s just not in the stars for me. I’ve raised my kids, paid my bills, kept roofs over everyone’s head, food in everyone’s tummies and even some camping and fun stuff in between. Oh, and clothes on our backs (because I’m pretty sure it would be frowned upon if we ran around naked all the time).

In my quest for a real job, one that I might actually enjoy, I went back to college in an attempt to fool my brain into thinking that if it had a degree it would still want to work in the real world. But apparently my resume doesn’t have the right key words to catch the attention of the molecules in cyberspace so that I can receive a damn phone call for an interview somewhere!

And then there’s that.

This to me is a sign from the universe that I’m no longer supposed to be employed by anyone else and I’m just supposed to stay home and surf the Internet all day and write stories for you. Yaaaaaaayyyyyy!! Thanks Universe, it’s what I’ve always wanted! Heyyyo.

So here I am, starting this blog that I’ve been putting off since I graduated because I was looking for a job. Well I’m done with that. This is my new job (where I make no money), but maybe I’ll become famous and then I can make money, or at least I can become a spokesperson for all the starving children in some other country that isn’t my country.

Oh, I don’t want to fail to mention that I reside with the most wonderful man on the planet earth a/k/a The Responsible One, but for the sake of saving time and paper…I’ll just call him Husband when I refer to him here. And yes he can drive me completely bat-shit-crazy sometimes, but he’s pretty fabulous as a whole. (Did you see what I did there? Pretty good, right)?

I also feel the responsibility to warn you that I have internal fights with myself that will end up making it to this blog eventually and I do say fuck sometimes, so if you are offended by swearing, this might not be the place for you. I will not mean to offend you but let’s face it I can’t please everybody. Just sayin’.

So welcome to my world and I hope you enjoy yourself.